Why Trying to Find the “Perfect” Therapist Keeps You From Even Starting
Starting therapy is one of the hardest parts of the process—just like starting at the gym. You walk in and suddenly there are 100s of options: different machines, different workouts, different approaches. Therapy is the same way. There are 100s of therapists, different styles, different modalities, and different ways of doing the work. For someone new to therapy, this can feel overwhelming quickly, and one of the most common questions I hear—from friends, clients, and even other therapists—is, “How do I find a ‘good’ therapist?” The reality is, that question alone stops a lot of people from starting therapy at all.
We tend to overcomplicate what makes a “good” therapist. At its core, a good therapist is simply someone you can connect with and relate to. Therapy is hard to measure in a clean, objective way, but one thing that consistently holds true is that the relationship between you and your therapist is the number one factor in whether therapy works. It’s not just the model, the techniques, or even the therapist’s credentials alone—it’s the relationship. So instead of asking, “Who is the best therapist?” a more helpful question might be, “Who feels like someone I could actually talk to?” Someone who feels approachable, someone who could feel like a mentor, and someone you don’t dread opening up to. Therapists are trained to maintain boundaries, so they know how to balance being human and relatable while still keeping the relationship professional, which means you don’t need to overthink that part at the beginning.
When it comes to knowing if therapy is a good fit, it’s often simpler than people expect. I usually tell people to follow their gut. If the conversation feels comfortable—even if it’s a little new or awkward at times—that’s a strong place to start. Therapy isn’t supposed to feel perfect right away, and there are usually some growing pains in the beginning. Over time, as you build the relationship, you’ll start to figure out what you like and don’t like in therapy. Just like at the gym, you don’t walk in knowing exactly what works for you, but as you gain experience, you get clearer on what actually helps you grow.
Therapy today also looks different than it used to. In the past, it often had a more instructional feel, almost like being told what to do to fix a problem. While that still has its place, many therapists now take a more collaborative approach, working alongside clients rather than directing them. It becomes less about being told what to do and more about exploring your experiences together in a supportive and curious way. This shift matters, especially in a time where many people feel more disconnected, more isolated, and less understood. Therapy isn’t just about solving problems anymore—it’s also about having a space where you can feel seen and understood.
I can only speak from my own experience, but when I started my own therapy journey, I noticed benefits I didn’t even know were possible. That’s why I say this clearly: don’t let the pressure of finding the “perfect” therapist stop you from starting therapy altogether. You don’t need the perfect fit right away—you just need a place to begin.
This post was written by Brenton Love, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Mission Viejo, CA. At Thrival Therapy, Brenton specializes in working with masculinity, ADHD, and discovering purpose and meaning.
